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Published by
OrthodoxyToday.org,
July 19, 2005
Sex Is Holy: Psycho-Spiritual
Reflections In A Secular World
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Rev. George
Morelli
Parents and child caretakers
in today's world would have to be blind to miss
the proliferation of sex in all aspects of our
culture. Possibly it took the superbowl halftime
show wherein a performers breast was displayed
simply for shock value, or the modification of
state laws legalizing gay marriage, to wake up
the Christian community to the increasing "sexualization"
of secular society. Sex sells. It sells in
advertising, music, movies and television and in
Europe one female newscaster broadcasts topless,
so it even extends to reporting the news. One
response could be:" What is the fuss all about?"
"What is wrong with sex?" " Sex can be fun and
pleasurable and if it is consensual what is the
big deal?"
I strongly believe that one
mistake made by Christians in response has been
to react on a very simple theological and
psychological level. For example, simply cite
two of the ten commandments: "Thou shalt not
commit adultery", and "Thou shalt not covet thy
neighbors wife". Without the context of Divine
Love and God's plan for divine love for us this
is a recipe for disaster. I also believe it is
not effective to say we must be "pure" as if sex
is "dirty".
I also maintain it is useless
to argue: "Our bodies are the temple of the Holy
Spirit ... so be pure". Although the reasons
just cited are absolutely correct, without the
underlying profound spirituality or theology of
Christian sexuality these reasons will not be
very effective in curbing selfish, Godless
sexual behavior and prompting deep loving
Christian sexual behavior. In fact given the
"fallen nature" of mankind telling someone what
not to do, often is the incentive to make them
want to try it out. This has been known through
the ages as the "attraction of the forbidden
fruit".
An invitation to do the
"prohibited". Children even at young ages are
exposed to our "sexual society" and have
developed a rather protracted "knowledge of
sexuality". A study done several years ago at a
major United States university demonstrated the
seriousness, ubiquity and deleterious effects of
this exposure. The subjects in the study were
4-5 yr old children. They were shown primetime
TV advertisements and then asked their
interpretation of what was going on. The
children's parents observed the procedure behind
a two way mirror.
For example in one scene, a
man and women are in a kitchen. It is the man's
birthday. The women say's something like "Ok,
big boy now for your birthday present." [She
seductively winks and goes out the door]. The
man opens the refrigerator, takes out a can of
whipped cream, looks at the camera, winks at the
viewers, and exits the same door. The scene ends
and the children are asked "What happens next?"
The overwhelming majority of these little on es
answered: they are going to have sex and he is
going to lick the whipped cream off her body.
The parents, and even the researchers did not
expect such an "adult" interpretation in
children so young.
Surely the use of sexual and
scatological "cuss words", innuendo, rudeness,
and crass behavior about sex and other body
parts are at variance with Christian teaching.
What should be done for our response to be
effective? We know from psychological studies
that "internalizing" the reasons for moral
behavior facilitates individuals acting morally.
Children who function on a "hedonistic" or
pleasure level "act out" more than children who
have developed higher levels of moral reasoning
such as empathy. (Eisenberg & Mussen, 1989; Bear
& Rys, (1994). Thus scientific psychology would
suggest that presenting the morality of
sexuality and sexual behavior on a higher level
would make it more effective. In Kohlberg's
(1976) system, the highest level of moral
development are "universal ethical principles".
For Christians the "theology
of sex", based on Divine Love is at the highest
principal infinitely beyond empathy or any other
set of ethical standards. It goes to the essence
of God Himself. St John tells us "...for love is
of God ....God is love." (1 John 4:7-8) This is
the love we are to have for one another.
Archmandrite Sophrony (1999) reports St. Silouan
the Athonite echoing the Church Fathers said:
"Both Christ's commandments of love towards
God and love toward neighbor make up a single
life."
The Church fathers have said
the same thing. The Persons of the Holy Trinity
interrelate amongst themselves in Love. Creation
is an act of love between God and His creation.
He creates in love and continues to keep the
universe and mankind in being out of love. The
infinite God, creates out of nothing, and
continues to create through the laws of nature
He has created. God has given mankind through
its two modes of male and female a share in His
creation. Sexuality is the gift from Him, by
which we share in His creation. Therefore,
sexuality is holy and should be treated as such,
because it is the way we were made to share in
God's creation.
The sexual organs are the
instruments of this creation. God made them to
be what they are anatomically and function the
way they do. So they too are holy. Jesus was
conceived in Mary's womb and she gave Him birth
in the female way. Thus these body parts are
holy. By the male sexual organ the seed of life
is implanted. Because this is a Godly creative
act, it too is holy. But it is holy only if is
used in the spirit of Love as God Himself
created them to function. He gave it to us to be
used only in the way He created: Love. He
created out of self-emptying love. This is no
better seen than in the Person of Our Lord, God
and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave of Himself to
us. In one of the most beautiful descriptions of
the duty of spousal love St. Paul tells the
Ephesians: . Husbands, love your wives, as
Christ loved the church and gave himself up for
her..." (5:25)
Therefore any type of
sexuality which is self-centered, manipulative
and degrading is impure, because it is not based
on self-emptying, self-giving, committed
creating love. Love always has as it's core the
good and welfare of the individual. It is for
our good and welfare that we were created by
God, our Father, redeemed by Christ in His act
of "Extreme Humility" of embracing the cross,
and sanctified, by the Spirit whom He sent. As
Christ took on our flesh, a man and woman in
marriage "...shall become one flesh. So they are
no longer two but one flesh." (Mat. 19:5-6) Thus
the words of St. Paul to the Corinthians have so
much meaning: "The body is not meant for
immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for
the body". As God's love is not casual, crude,
rude and self-centered; so too, sexual love
should not be this way. As God's love is giving,
emptying and creative; so too sexual love should
be this way.
Parents have to be the main
teachers of the God's gift to us of human
sexuality. This should be supported by clergy,
clinicians and teachers etc. From early
childhood to teen years, parents and child
caretakers such as teachers should present this
"theology of sexuality". This presentation must
first be modeled by the parents themselves, in
word and action. Use of crude words for body
parts or the sex act undermines all holiness and
sanctity of sex itself. It also bespeaks of
unbelievable hypocrisy. Any presentation of
sexuality must be age appropriate. Ordinary
daily events give parents so many opportunities
to discuss sexuality and its meaning.
For example, young children,
are naturally inquisitive. Frequently they ask
about the sexual organs. Instead of shying away
from discussion, this is an opportunity for
parents (and other appropriate individuals) to
tell them these are gifts from God. Children ask
about birth. They should be told age appropriate
accurate information: "This is how God, gave
mommy the way to have your "'little
brother/sister'" born", etc.
What is most important is
never to separate the explanation of sex from
the love of God in terms of His creation and
commitment to us and the creative act and
commitment implied in the sex act within
marriage. When family members are exposed to
sex, devoid of God's creative love and
commitment in the media, parents can comment on
it. Simple interpretive comments on
advertisements can be very effective. When a
suggestive ad on TV appears for example, a
parent may comment: "Look how this ad is using
that seductive (look, posture, etc) where is the
deep meaning and love they should have for one
another as Christ had for us"? Comments do not
have to be long and preachy. Children learn very
effectively from short pointed statements.
Use of analogy is also
efficacious: "When we receive communion, Jesus
is really in us we would never defile Him or the
chalice that holds His Precious Body and Blood,
so too we should never defile the body parts
that God gave us to share in His creation."
Frequently sex focuses on the
"hedonistic", pleasurable feelings that
accompany a sex act. This topic should also not
be avoided but addressed. God, does allow us to
feel pleasure, this is the way He made us. The
acts that can produce pleasure can be either be
acts that help ourselves and others grow
psychologically and spiritually, or can enslave
us and others in terms of ordinary human
development: socially, occupationally, and
spiritually. Pleasure blinds and enslaves us,
when we are motivated to act selfishly and not
for the good and welfare of the other God asks
us to Love. Pleasure as a result of a loving
act, can help and motivate us to continue
sharing in God's loving committed creative acts.
In this context, parents and
child caretakers can bring up other pleasure
centered activities that have similar
consequences. Drugs can be used to heal, as for
example when recovering after surgery. Drugs can
also addict, impede clear thinking and prevent
us doing well at school and occupation, etc. We
become enslaved to pleasure instead of free in
Christ's love.
The dignity and importance of
the Christian vocation of parents becomes more
meaningful after meditating on the beautiful
prayer said by the priest as the married couple
become "one flesh" in the Orthodox wedding
service: "Unite them in one mind and one flesh,
and grant unto them fair children for education
in the faith and fear..." Reminded of this
prayer may aid in parents remembering the reason
for the spiritual depth of Christ centered
marriage and parenting. This is the sacramental
grace and commission bestowed on the newly
married couple by the Holy Spirit. At evening
prayer what a beautiful way to end the day would
be for parents and all who work with children to
say: "Come Holy Spirit, [unite us in one mind
and flesh] that our children be educated in
faith and fear. Strengthen us for our appointed
service as [parents, grandparents, caretakers]
of our children. Let the Love of Our Lord, God
and Savior Jesus Christ impel us in all we say
and do on their behalf".
Religious education training
programs should have specific modules for
dealing with issues of sexuality that will come
up in the religious education classes for
children at different grade levels. Directors of
Religious education and teachers ought to have
specific training in the developmental stages of
children and the cognitive processes employed by
children at each age. Specific curriculum
material can be developed appropriate with these
stages and different thinking processes. As
mentioned above children sense that certain
topics are not discussed and they develop the
notion of the "attractive taboo." I am in no way
suggesting: "how to do it" instruction. [which
is so objectionable to many parents. Nor am I
suggesting discussing instruction in preventing
pregnancy. But for example if a student asks
what a condom a teacher should not shy away from
a quick 'Christian-theological answer'.
First of all, a general rule
of thumb is not to assume any child knows what
you know, but rather start by asking in a very
direct natural way: "What do 'you' think it is?"
Younger children typically surprise teachers and
parents by giving simplistic, sometimes
'vanilla' answers. Older children are apt to
have more accurate answers. In all cases the
teachers response should be, natural and
theological. [Appropriate to the age-cognitive
developmental level of the student.] "God made
the husband to use his seed with someone he
loves and God has blessed in marriage. "Some men
who are not married use condoms with a person,
God has not blessed them to be with outside of
marriage".
Some God blessed married
couples may decide to use a condom
'temporarily', for a good reason, (e.g.: finish
a semester at college, move into a new house)
and then fulfill God's will for them and stop
using it so to have the children God wants them
to have". Workshop training in this wherein
Religious Education Directors and Teachers can
practice dealing with the variety of questions
children of different ages and cognitive stages
are invaluable. It would be my recommendation
that parents and clergy also participate in the
curriculum development and workshops. Lines of
communication between parents, teachers and
clergy are kept open and the approach by all to
this important issue is integrated.
Clergy as part of an "adult
education" program in a parish might want to
include a section on the "Christian Theology of
Sex". Any pre-marital instruction a parish
priest has with prospective married couples
should include: Orthodox Christian Sexuality.
This would include material discussed above as
it relates to adults and how such material can
be incorporated into children's religious
education at home and at religious schools.
Responsible religious education programs will
include material interfacing what parents teach
(and model to) their children at home about sex.
Clergy should be knowledgeable and comfortable
discussing 'the theology of sexuality' with all
parishioners. This would include taking account
differing ages, sex, marital status, and
cognitive and emotional maturity.
With the continuing
secularization of our society (SEC-U-LAR-ISM. 1.
Religious skepticism or indifference. 2. The
view that religious considerations should be
excluded from civil affairs or public education.
From The American Heritage Dictionary) it is all
the more important that we put Christ and His
teaching back into our lives, homes and society.
Secular sexuality is proliferating. Often this
secularization is insidious. It hides in the
values that underlie how our society presents
itself. In one recent film, Bruce Almighty, a
film that potentially could have a profound
Christian message on the meaning of life
centered on God and His goodness, and the love
of neighbor as love of God; is negated by the
main character "living with his fiancι",
obviously outside of blessed marriage. The
message is basically secular. As long as I am a
good person, then I can act the way I want. The
theme of Madison Ave (the advertising industry)
is: eat drink and be merry for tomorrow you die.
Acquire as much wealth and power and sex at any
cost. Whoever dies with the greatest number of
'toys' (material goods, power, sexual conquests)
wins.
In the Funeral Service of the
Eastern Church is a beautiful Idiomela (hymn) by
St. John of Damascus: "I called to mind the
Prophet, as he cried: I am earth, and ashes; and
I looked again into the graves and beheld the
bones laid bare, and I said: Who then is the
king or the warrior, the rich man or the needy,
the upright or the sinner? Yet O Lord, give rest
unto thy servant with the righteous." It is time
for all leaders and healers to be zealous about
developing a secular sexual non-proliferation
action plan. Bring our lives, homes, schools and
society back to Christ. Make sex and all our
earthly life holy again.
Glory to God in all things!
References
Bear, G.G., & Rys, G.S.
(1994). Moral reasoning, classroom behavior and
sociometric status among elementary school
children. Developmental Psychology, 30, 633-638.
Eisenberg, N., & Mussen, P.H.
(1989). The roots of prosocial behavior in
children. Cambridge, England: Cambridge
University Press.
Kohlberg, L. (1976). Moral
stages and moralization: The
cognitive-developmental approach. In T. Lickona
(Ed.), Moral development and behavior: Theory,
research and moral issues (pp. 31-53). New York:
Holt.
Sakharov, Archimandrite
Sophrony, (1999). St Silouan the athonite.
Crestwood, New York: St. Vladimir's Seminary
Press.
Fr. George
Morelli PhD is a licensed Clinical Psychologist
and Marriage and Family Therapist and Religion
Coordinator (and Antiochian Archdiocesan
Liaison) of the
Orthodox Christian Association of Medicine,
Psychology and Religion. Fr. George is
Assistant Pastor of St. George's Antiochian
Orthodox Church, San Diego, California |
